Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long