Cat.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s