Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”