I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call