The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)