How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader