*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account