If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy