dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Bros before Ohioes
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option