Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Natural selection at its finest
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
is nasa ok
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.