cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Dear Lord..
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.