my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine