I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you