Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Baking is just science you can eat.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.