I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?