No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!