When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you