me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Any refunds available?…
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”