Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday: