I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
They must have gotten it to go.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour