“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it