ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.