What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready