I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Saturday
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year