My love language is deader than Latin
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!