Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
I’m calling the cops.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
