When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.