I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Dolls on drugs
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole