My funeral better have a fkn merch table
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Hb: is there any apple pie left?
Me: do you know me at all?
Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
