[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar MeyerAll of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out