“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts