Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
i hope all of u get laid and not laid off this year. amen
Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)
cashier: sure that’ll be $25
me: ok
why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.