I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
I’m still waiting for the day my parents will say, “It’s all fake, we are millionaires, this was just to teach you to be humble”.
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Me at my 225th rodeo:
“What the hell is going on?”
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine