Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.
Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.
In which case, everyone hates you.
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
Cold.
