A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳#stats
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
