LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Your soulmate is too smart to date you