I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Dolls on drugs
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.