6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail