“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I forgot how to panic. Help
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.