“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
How can I say no to this ?
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
I need a headline like this
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all