*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?