Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
#damn
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
tis the season
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”