CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.