I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Simple enough.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Seas the day!!!!
