I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately