My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
May have had one breakfast too many
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I feel it
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
