Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff