She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
emergency phone
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer