I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
yeet
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book