Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
