Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I can’t wait!
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Smile they said.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.