The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I didn’t realize that was an option
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.