Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???