QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Saturday
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
